The British Prime Minister: Only Murderers and Liars, Please

By Mike James in Frankfurt, Germany – 2 May 2005

Fancy your election or re-election chances as prime minister of a medium-sized European country called the United Kingdom?

No problem. Just find yourself some happy-family civilians minding their own business, and kill them. The more, the merrier – 200,000 sounds like a nice rounded sort of number.

Be sure to pick the right target – one that you know for sure cannot retaliate. Arab children and their doting mothers are a popular sporting bet. While you're at it, why not have a go and try to assassinate the local head of state and any kids he may have running around? If you happen to come across a few oil reserves along the way ... well, lucky you!

Just make sure that a corrupt government lawyer tells you that your anticipated act of mass murder is perfectly legal; and if at first he expresses grave reservations, citing international law and the Nuremberg Convention, gently turn the screws until he changes his mind and finds surprisingly unexpected elasticity in the legal code. Blackmail usually does the trick.

The successful candidate must also display a proven aptitude for serial lying. We're not talking about small-time lying or lies that register less than nine on the Richter scale of deceit. We're talking Super League. The lies must initially be grotesque and obvious to everyone but the most dim-witted, yet be flaunted with pride on a daily basis and dignified with so much inventive sophistry and lawyeresque double-talk that they eventually take on a life of their own and strut around on the world stage like vainglorious peacocks demanding accolades and posies.

Having shown that you're a right royal prince among liars, you will need to cultivate a commensurate lack of genuine remorse for any mistakes you may have made, and indeed exercise your ability to elevate those mistakes as representing the unassailable edifice of your incomparably brilliant international statesmanship. For this, you must transcend all the fearsome characteristics of even the most celebrated psychopath in the history of criminal psychiatry, and strive to bring new meaning to the term 'cunningly dangerous sociopath'.

As a self-righteous child-killer, mass murderer, congenital liar and sociopath par excellence, it will be your job to single-mindedly pursue your critics with a vindictive malevolence almost unknown to human nature. A slur on your character and integrity must be met with the full force afforded by any and every state instrument at your disposal, time and taxpayers' expense being no object in defence of your vanity and rightful place in the history books.

Be astonished and affronted beyond words when others bring your sincerity into question. If he's a scientist, contrive to have him placed under such unbearable pressure that he will probably be found dead as a consequence of 'suicide'. If he's a journalist, simply turn the tables on his integrity and destroy his career. If it's a state broadcaster, talk openly about potential licensing problems and instigate a rigged inquiry by which the plaintiff becomes the defendant and is found guilty. Expect resignations and shattered lives, and enjoy your moment of supreme hubris by gloating in public.

Most importantly, maintain that ever-present schoolboy grin – the one that barely disguises your psychotic glee and near-disbelief at your own arrogance, and which seems to beg the world with a playful wink: "Am I still not in prison?"

Do all this, and they will happily call you "Prime Minister".

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Mike James is a British freelance journalist and translator, resident in Germany for almost 13 years, who has been working covertly and with quiet determination to put Tony Blair behind bars for the rest of his unnatural life. Permission to republish his work in any media is freely granted.

Last updated 22/03/2008