Visible Origami Ė January 8, 2010
Well, I am in the soup again and make no mistake about that. Most appropriately the wind is howling outside my door. Perhaps it is the wolf. It might be the wolf given what I have experienced in the last couple of days.
I got an email telling me my sweetie was dead and I got some posts to that effect as well. Unfortunately I couldnít reach Susanne by phone until late in the night of a day that started early. I called the town police but couldnít get an answer. Thereís no crime there. I should have called the larger town but I was befuddled to put it mildly. By now I was sure she was dead.
I had to get dog food and I had no money and then I found that none of my cards would work. This seemed to play into the general aura of the thing. Then I found about 30 Euro in change which I keep in the car for driving and never think about otherwise so, the dogs are okay.
I donít know how many of you rely on the other side of your life like I do but suffice it to say that this came as a tremendous blow. It was coming from so many directions at the same time that it just had to be true. Letís add in that last week Susanne told me she was having dreams about dying. Sheís so much younger than I that I found that mystifying. She had stopped smoking and was doing all the right things and I happen to know that stopping smoking can be as bad as doing it; shock to the system and all of that. This was all swirling in the air and I can always reach her usually but not this time.
So I had to live with this thing which even a couple of astrologers told me might happen and I couldnít believe it but I knew it had to be true by this time. Itís like all of the air and light in my life just disappeared in a puff of smoke. I thought to myself that I had only been holding on with a couple of fingers anyway and now I wasnít holding on at all. Sheís the anchor of my life and things just donít work without her and then I thought, if sheís gone what about her mother; what about the dogs?
I couldnít accept that it was true so I held off going batshit crazy and I probably couldnít anyway. I already went batshit crazy at least a dozen times before and I wasnít sure I had any batshit crazy left in me. I knew there were deep pools of remorse and regret waiting for me but Iíve managed to avoid swimming there because that is no kind of place for an already depressed personality. I figure God is going to probably be kinder to me than I am. I treat myself pretty bad on the best of days. Some injuries are very hard to overcome and my childhood was a nightmare. That might be why I am still only 12 years old.
When I heard Susanneís voice on the phone I felt like an incandescent light. Maybe it was going to come on and maybe it wasnít. I was already dead in ways too numerous to count. I donít like being alive. I often wish I was dead and I take no pleasure in just about anything. I like my succulents and I like the fauna that I wind up with somehow too but I donít enjoy it here and so I am probably lying to you to a lot of the time. NoÖ I really believe the things I tell you and they keep me going soÖ Iím probably not lying but I think I come off sounding stronger than I am.
I never asked to get so many readers and now I feel responsible for you too. If Iím not strong and steady then I feel like you might not be either. I realize that that sounds pretty arrogant and I apologize for that. Iím not thinking very clearly right now so I could say anything. The wind is supremely howling outside the door. Susanne called a moment ago and then all the electricity went off. I walked outside to talk to her and this big wheel of a table top that I had put up against the wall of the house just spun around in front of me and rolled right past the car. I stepped on both dogs at least once because they were so excitedÖ but not afraid so I know thereís an excess of ozone.
Now Iím stuck in Italy with no money and Iím going to have to figure that out. I will so donít get worked up about it on your end. Thousands of Germans are experiencing this. Someone hacked into the main system and so it goes. Paypal is useless and I donít have an account in this country. As far as they know Iím not even here. Iíve made low profile a lifestyle. Only one country in Europe has me on the books because you have to be on the books somewhere unless you are a real Rosicrucian and Iím still a quart low in that department.
Life is pain and some of us transform our suffering into art and some of us make it an art to abuse our fellows. We never have enough of the one and always too much of the other. Iíve come to a place where Iím not afraid of anyone one on one or maybe even if they brought their friends but I think I might still be afraid of personal loss; not that anything actually belongs to me. I know that. Iíve lost everything more than once already. It doesnít get easier when you get older. When youíre young you laugh at death and risk is a rite of passage.
Iím not sure that I am doing you or myself much good with these blogs. They occupy my life and itís all without return and I could just as well be making a living; if thatís what you call it. I promised myself that I would give myself away and never be like everyone else who is always out for themselves. If anything pissed me off in life it was selfishness and self interest. The single quality that all of my real friends have is a lack of both. I would die for them and they know that. I count the value of my life based on what I would spend it on and friendship and brotherhood are supreme among my values. I probably would have made a good soldier but they kicked me out for being sane.
The reason I am writing this post is that I am going to have to rethink a lot of things. I canít think right now because I am too fucked up but eventually I will be un-fucked. This is one of the many reasons that I know there is a God. Given what I have done to myself it is amazing I can still walk, much less the antics I pull off on my deck when I feel like it. Surely God makes this possible and I look at those who could be my grandchildren and they are slugs that canít dance and I donít think God is a priority for them either. I think God is the last thing on their mind. It shows.
Everything shows eventually. Iím going to try to keep doing this but I am very mercurial at the moment and I donít know who is going to be thinking in my head later on. Iíve written so much I really donít need to write anymore but somehow a lot of us are connected and I donít want to chickenshit out on the right thing to do.
I guess I just want to say that Iím not half as noble or courageous as a lot of you think I am. Iím just one more determined soul walking toward something I canít see. I have to clench my teeth and I have to drive on when there seems no point in doing so. Where did it get me? It got me where I am right now and I have no idea where that is. Itís like all the places Iíve been and passed through and all those lives and names that have nothing to do with right now but maybe they are stepping stones on the way and I will admit to that. Iím not despairing or giving up. Itís not in my nature. God alone can beat me down or retard my passage and no one else or all the armies on Earth could do that.
But is can get scary and I think it is going to do that. You should step outside my door right now and check it out. Iíve had this place for four years now and I have never seen anything like this. The air is crackling. It is electric.
IĎve run out of steam and I think Iíll just watch one of my movies or plug in the keyboard and howl at the coming night. Iím just like you my friends; god keep us safe.
Last updated 11/01/2010