Green Zone Follies Baghdad April 25, 2008

“We are getting bombarded fairly regularly, now, and the command structure is frantic to put a stop to it. No sooner do they cleanse a suspect launch area (which consists of the use of flamethrowers and bulldozers on poor neighborhoods) than the Evil Ones move to a new location. But aside from a few dead colonels and damaged pool halls, the real menace here is from the Christian Loonies. Yes, kids, these vile creeps have penetrated even into the ranks of the military and in fact, lead it. Many, but not all, of our young officers are part and parcel of a plan, concocted with the full approval and entire cooperation of the degenerate occupant of the Offal Office to Christianize our officer corps. We have shavetails and captains running amok in the field, demanding Total Obedience to Jesus the Lord from the sorely tried troops. Lousy food, no leave, heavily censored mail, chances of death or dismemberment at any time and to put the cherry on the sundae, we now have drooling Jesus freak officers and their mandatory prayer sessions (while under fire) to cope with.

A really joyful story to relate on this subject. One Captain of an Infantry unit who used to dole out daily rants of nuttiness got caught out by some of his men while in the latrine. They smashed his head in with a heavy socket wrench, cut off his testicles and shoved them down his dead throat with the butt end of his big crucifix that he waved around when the shooting stopped. When he was found, the flies were having a field day and you couldn’t get downwind from the bloated mess or you’d puke. Another soul saved for the Lord! And close the coffin and put in the usual note for the Stateside undertaker not to open it under any circumstances. I do feel sorry for the victims of these crazies, I do indeed. We do need more affirmative actions in the latrines to stop this crap.”