By G.W. Bush, date to be arranged
The Unanimous (i.e. Me) Declaration of Independence
When, in the course of inhuman events, it becomes necessary for the American government to increase the political bonds which has connected it with the state of Israel, and to assume among the lesser powers of the earth, the separate and unequal station to which the laws of G.W. entitles it, a complete lack of respect to the opinions of mankind does not require that it should declare the causes which impels it to the separation.
We hold this spin to be self-evident, that all Americans are created equally gullible, that they are endowed by G.W. with certain unalienable rights, that among these are taking countries, taking liberties and the pursuit of oil wells. That to secure these rights, governments are rigged among a small group of men, deriving their just powers from themselves. That whenever any form of government is obstructed from these ends, it is the right of John Ashcroft to strengthen it or make it bigger, and to institute more government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to him shall seem most likely to effect his sanctimony and happiness. Arrogance, indeed, will dictate that governments dubiously established should not be challenged for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that Americans are more disposed to suffer, while scams are sufferable, than to right themselves by questioning the lies to which they are accustomed.
So when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is Ari’s right, it is his duty, to laugh off such conspiracy theories, and to concoct more lies about their insecurity. Such has been the credulity of these Americans; and such is now the impossibility which constrains them from altering their present system of government. The history of the current President is, at long last, a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states and the rest of the universe. To celebrate this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
He (that’s me, folks) has refused his assent to policies, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his governors to repeal laws of immediate and pressing unconstitutionality, unless suspended in their operation till his wrath be incurred; and when so suspended, he has utterly ignored their objections.
He has refused to ease measures for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the “right” to a life outside of prison, a so-called “right” inestimable to them, but fine by me.
He has called together legislative bodies at unusually short notice, making them uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has thanked representative houses repeatedly, for capitulating with astonishing cowardice to his invasions on the “rights” of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such humiliations, to cause others in light aircraft to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of imagined invasion from without, and media convulsions within.
He has endeavored to prevent the depopulation of these states; for that purpose covertly ignoring the laws for the admittance of foreigners; refusing to pass others to discourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of social services, unless they speak Spanish. Cui bono?
He has obstructed the administration of justice, by ignoring due process, going AWOL and playing golf instead.
He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies of CEOs and tax collectors without the consent of the people.
He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to world opinion.
He has combined with others (Hi, Ariel) to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed terrorists among us:
For protecting them, by mock intelligence, from investigation for any murders which they plan to commit on the inhabitants of these states:
For threatening to force our trade on all parts of the world, with the exception of the Axis of Evil – Germany, France and Iraq:
For imposing taxes on us without our consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury, or even a trail:
For transporting our sons and daughters beyond seas to try others for pretended offenses:
For attempting to abolish the free system of international law, establishing elsewhere arbitrary governments, and violating their boundaries so as to render them at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:
For humoring our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated government here, by making us less secure and waging war against us.
He has plundered our pension funds, ravaged our savings and loans, burned our surplus, and mortgaged the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of American and foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled since, well, a few years ago, and an absolute must if you want to chew gum and talk to God.
He has constrained our fellow citizens to bear arms against other countries, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to otherwise stiff the world.
He has excited unquestioning domestic obedience amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of Arab lands, the merciless Iraqis, whose known rule of warfare is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions with weapons of mass death disguised as paper airplanes, leaded pencils and the French.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for more of the same in the most nonchalant terms: our repeated petitions have been answered by repeated accessions. A President, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is fit to be the ruler of an unfree people. Nice.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our international brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by Saddam to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over our right to his oil . We have reminded them of the circumstances of their economies and our soft loans. We have appealed to their native greed and cynicism, and we have blackmailed them by the ties of our common reserve currency to accept these usurpations, which would inevitably help our connections and correspondence. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, especially the French, enemies in war, in peace enemies.
We, therefore, the government of the Altered States of America, in the White House, assembled, me and the boys, appealing to the Supreme Mediocrity of the world for the decrepitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of Beltway Baptists everywhere, solemnly publish and declare, that the American people ought not think to be free and independent; that they are forever bound to allegiance with the state of Israel, and that all political connection between them and the state of Israel, is and ought to be massively subsidized with their taxes; and that as unfree and in dependent states of corporate servitude, they have given us full power to levy war, wreak havoc, destroy alliances, damage commerce, and to do all other acts and things which rogue nuclear states may of right do, if we say so. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Corporate Providence, we mutually pledge to each other the lives, fortunes and sacred honor of all Americans not standing where we are.
So help me, Dog.
Michael James is a freelance journalist and translator, resident in Germany for almost eleven years.