Dostoyevsky Pause on the Doubt Couch

Reflections in a Petri Dish – March 12, 2012

Dog Poet Transmitting…….
May your noses always be on your face.
First things first; let me wish Michael Rivero and What Really Happened, a very happy and auspicious 18th birthday. Congratulations, you are now officially old enough to go to war, without needing your parents permission but you are still not old enough to drink. This is the first alternative news site that I ran into, when I first considered doing a blog. It’s a treasured resource, a good friend that sits on my parallel Favorites Bar and does planches inside my head, shortly after I click on the link. I am grateful to What Really Happened for my expanded, gymnastic awareness. Conversely, I have the world to thank for my growing abilities on the uneven bars. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael Rivero and What Really Happened!
With very few exceptions, I make it a point to share private aspects of my life. One of the main reasons for this is reader identification. It’s an accepted fact around these parts that what gets said here, is very often mirrored in the lives and consciousness of the reader. I have an idea for why this happens and that has to do with whom I am employed by. There are some who might argue that my lifestyle and the things I say are not reflective of what is generally expected from an employee at my firm but… it’s a big firm and all sorts of specialty work goes on for specific projects and that work also goes on inside the employee, so that eventually, evidence arrives for dual use purposes and later on one can see that not being reflective of what is generally expected, has much to do with being based on insufficient evidence. In the beginning, the employee probably shares the same viewpoint as the people with presumed expectations. Surprises follow on both sides of the fence.
A few days ago I was told, that in the coming week, changes that have been long sought after by this writer, were going to go into effect. This morning, I woke up to find out that it was true. I don’t know how extensive or far reaching it’s going to be but my employer never does things in a small way, even though the influence extends to single grains of sand and individual snowflakes. Did something happen? Was there an event? No. I woke up this morning around 7:00 AM. Given I was up late and had missed some amount of sleep over recent days, this was not to be expected but… there I was, refreshed, thoughtful and reflective. That too was not to be expected. I was lighter somehow and not just because I didn’t have anything to eat yesterday (grin). Usually when something goes missing, we call it a loss. It’s conceivable that this can be a very good thing. I felt the way you feel when you’ve been to the dentist and left a tooth behind. There’s a vacancy, but… the absence has a presence. Your tongue finds it’s way there all on it’s own. It probes and explores. It ponders the mystery of the absense.
There are some things I have wanted to be gone for a long time, but they were persistent and unwelcome guests in my life. I’ve been engaged in a private struggle with some things, which could not be addressed by any modalities known to me. In fact, when I tried to make dramatic changes in the way my life was ordered, not only could I not effect them but I ran into a strong negative reaction that left me, seemingly, worse off than I was prior to making these positive efforts. That was pretty disheartening to be sure. It happened on each occasion, when I went to set myself into a more controlled and disciplined routine.
Two or three years ago I was in Italy. It was in the spring and the weather can be really fantastic in that environment, the same way southern Portugal is. Frequently in Portugal, you get a condition that I call ‘painters light’, this is when the sky and the landscape have the appearance of an animated painting that evokes long forgotten moments and draws up tall glasses of deep nostalgia, for your antebellum, front porch, mint julep flashbacks. This brings me to a kind of digression; You remember when you typed a word or a sentence and there was an error or errors in the text? In the process of inserting a letter or two, you discovered that you could have just deleted the word or sentence and done it again and there wouldn’t be any time differential either way; ay Cisco, ay Poncho and rock and roll.
(my digression ran away with my initial objective. At this time in Italy, I would sit on the terrace each morning and meditate. On a couple of occasions the meditations went on for several hours. I did some wonderful traveling in third eye country and got to sample various esoteric candies. Then like clockwork the operation got shut down. Quite some number of times, I would either, with calculation, approach a day in which I sought to initiate the process. Sometimes I jumped on a day, trying to be unpredictable and spontaneous. Nothing worked. I attach another condition that’s been going on over recent months. The ‘I’ character on my keyboard often doesn’t come up on the screen and I have to go back and insert it. I guess everything is under control, even when it looks like it’s out of control. That’s a contained environment for you. The pinball can bounce off of the bumpers for a good while but eventually it’s going down the hole.)
I mention rock and roll for good reason. You can think of meditation balls moving in your hands. You can think about a rock and a hard place. You can think about life. You can think about your life. You can think? Congratulations! There might be a happy birthday in there for the rest of you too.
We have these arguments in our heads about all kinds of things. We have that elevator heart, of desire and aspire. We got a lot going on, but it basically breaks down to those rolling balls, doing their nookey thing in the palm of your hand and whether or not you should directly apply Jackson Browne’s “Rosy” or work those balls instead, up into a brighter promise of ‘to be announced’ tomorrows.
The thing that grinds on us is sexual. It’s about unions, separations and divorce. You are or you are not on the horse. Truth always needs a rider. A seldom explored consideration is, does truth need a disclaimer? One thing we don’t know, going in, is that the game is fixed but… after your innocence is gone, you have only yourself to blame, if you go back to that same bar, that same casino, that same routine. Hey! On any given Sunday you could get lucky but… luck is fickle and that is why it’s called luck.
I consider faith, certitude and determination as a highly effective replacement for luck. I will not ever quit heading in the direction of what I am after. I suppose that makes me like the bankers and politicians in their inflexibility of purpose. The evidence of them getting where they thought they wanted to be is patently obvious. Given that example, I will also get where I think I want to be and so will you, if you possess the requisite, consistent intensity. Some people get up in the morning thinking about making money. Some people wake up thinking about killing somebody. Some people wake up and think about having sex, or a drink, or both. Some people wake up. I will not be going by the lost and found today to claim whatever it is that I lost.
It’s like the I Ching says, “perseverance furthers”. So, I got a promotion and just like the way people resonate with the different topics that show up around here, I suspect similar activity, by degrees, dependent upon energy invested, is going to show up in the readership. I have noticed that when things were going well in the world, relatively speaking, they were going bad for me and when things went bad in the world they went well for me… heh heh. That does put me in a problematic situation. Should I hope things go badly for me so that the world can prosper or…? It is relative, so sometimes bad is good.
I like to think that I pay attention. Seekers after light are similar to psychopaths in some ways. There’s a certain persistent awareness of the objective, because all of the usual limiters and hesitations aren’t present. There’s no moral argument going. This is what contributes to the success of psychopaths. They don’t have a conscience. There’s no Dostoyevsky pause, between the thought and the action. Thankfully there’s cosmic traps and barriers that operate like a substitute teacher. It’s okay to hang out on the doubt couch occasionally, as you try to understand how they get away with so much for so long. The answer to that can be given in two words, Kali Yuga. This is why the High Priestess in the Tarot has the quality of memory ascribed to her. Creation moves over a vast expanse and your best resource for coming to terms with the meaning of it all, is resident in that deep pool that is not commonly explored, most especially in Kali Yuga.
Day by day it is becoming more and more apparent to me that things are exactly what they are supposed to be. That doesn’t mean what they could be. It means that what is, is the logical result of the total contribution. If we put our heads and hearts together, we can accomplish just about anything and that is why divide and conquer, is the preferred and established method by which the adversary compromises us. Unity of purpose is key. Unless you’re a misanthrope, you get this but… we won’t get it, until the internal conflict is resolved. It’s inefficient, ineffective and doomed to fail, if you set off in the attempt, already at war with a part of yourself. Whatever you do or don’t believe, you do have to be convinced of it. Right or wrong, you have to be all in. In Kali Yuga, wrong has a better support system but that does not alter the dynamic or inevitable resolution. Sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it harder but it always is.
I’ve run into a game changer this day. I expect it happened while I was sleeping. I hear that a lot, “It will happen while you sleep”. Maybe that’s why I really look forward to going to bed (grin). I can’t possibly express the degree of affirmation that this conveys to me. It’s telling me that, as far as my end of the equation goes, it comes out the same on the other end. It’s not only “new and improved” but “it’s the same thing, only different”. This makes perfect sense from my perspective and none at all from the general and logical state. The commercials are lies of course but the concept is workable. It’s kind of like having your cake and eating it too and it actually is “the real thing in the back of your mind”. It just happens not to be Coca Cola. I’m wondering what Clif High is going to uncover in his next synopsis. Heh heh, just tumbled to all the humor in his name. If you see him you can tell him I found that ‘f’ that he’s been missing. (Man! There goes that ‘I’ thing again) Yeah, the ‘f’ was under the chaise lounge with that missing slipper and the nine year old Hindu boy. As usual, it was the dogs that found it.
End Transmission…….
Last nights radio show is available for download.


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