Playing a Role is Part of Successful Marriage

Henry Makow – henrymakow.com March 6, 2012, revised from March 2011

I received this question from Jim:

“In your essay “Dumping my Dream Girl” you state that women should be helpmates, not soul mates.

As a divorced guy, this directly concerns my inner dilemma, namely that by choosing any one woman to be with, I am automatically excluding all the millions of others.  I am haunted by the idea that if I commit to any one woman, then what will I do some time in the future if I meet someone who is more “right” for me?  I don’t take commitment lightly and I really do try to be honest so I guess I would then just live with the knowledge that I’m not with the best person possible.  Having been divorced twice already does not give me much confidence in my ability to choose an appropriate partner….

I would be interested to hear any feedback you can give on this.  I have dated a lady for several years who would like relationship to be much closer.  She has many of the qualities described in the 13 virtues of a Christian woman, but I don’t know if we will be able to be happy together.

My Reply:

Dear Jim,

You have to consider some other factors:

How attractive are you? i.e. whom are you likely to attract?

Does she love you? That’s more important than do you love her.

The idea of the “only one” is a romantic delusion. There are thousands of women who might be suitable mates. I may be jaded but a woman is a vehicle, like a car. She performs a function in your life (companionship, sex, mother of your children etc.) Find a good one and get on with your life.
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No one is perfect, including ourselves. We’re not perfect so why should we expect it? Look for someone compatible,  whom you can live with. 

Most people have a range of good and bad qualities. Love is mostly working with the bad qualities. The good qualities are your reward.

Real love is not based on sex appeal or sparkling repartee. It is based on caring, consideration and loyalty tested over time.  

I am not omniscient, but this is my take.  Hope it helps.

Henry

I didn’t hear back from Jim!

Born in 1949, I can still remember the traditional 1950′s view of marriage. You found the best person possible, made a commitment and stuck with it through thick and thin,  “until death do you part.”

Continues in full at source…