Yes, I am an angry white man. I am even more angry than usual now due to being unemployed again, and having to compete with a million guys just like me for a few paltry and underpaid IT jobs, that for some reason could not be shipped to Punjab, Xing Xiang, Wing Wong, or wherever. We see each other at the unemployment office, and at the Human Resources windows of sundry companies, and we avert our eyes.
Formerly confident, aggressive and forward-thinking, we were the problem solvers, project managers, programmers, engineers, analysts, developers, testers, installers, tech support, trainers – we were the IT guys, the gurus, the Pros from Dover, and American business could not get enough of us.
We were the new face of America, warriors of the Information Age, and the leaders in innovation, design, and discovery. We were the Networked Generation, and our technology had nowhere to go but up, nothing to do but get better.
Today we warily size each other up, each knowing in his heart that expertise in every aspect of this field is unattainable by a single human being. Each of us is competent in many disciplines. Few of us have exactly the skill set required for a lot of these ridiculous job descriptions.
The American employment sector now regards computer guys as a bargain basement special. The pay they offer Americans, male and female, of all colours, directly reflects this attitude.
But this is not about that. This is about how to cope in an employment environment that is specifically hostile to white American males with a Bachelor’s Degree in something besides Liberal Arts. This article is non-discriminatory toward white males of all working ages. Any white male can use these job hunting tips regardless of age, weight, faith, reed, ability or disability, to dramatically improve his chances of
landing just the right job.
Tip Number One: DRESS FOR SUCCESS
Buy a dress. And heels, hosiery, makeup and bling-bling (that’s jewellery for you Ebonically challenged types). If you are married to a woman, or have a girlfriend, have her assist you in the selection of your dress. It should be blue and businessy, typically, the feminine equivalent of your blue pinstripe. You’ll need to learn how to walk in heels, and again, here your sig-O might be able to help you. It is not necessary to shave your legs, pits, arms, hands, feet, back, etc., but the more attention you pay to detail, the more professional you will look. You’ll need a wig, of course. You want BIG HAIR. You do not necessarily have to remove your wedding ring.
You are operating under the assumption that merit has something to do with hiring. Go put on your dress. Report for the interview in full blown meticulous drag, and just BE YOURSELF.
Tip Number Two: It’s ALLAH in a Day’s Work
Convert to Islam. Change your name to something ridiculously difficult to pronounce. Include at least one unnatural syllable like Zarwqa. Ideas for halfway decent and pronounceable first names include Yusef, Ibrahim, Mustafa. Avoid names like Osama, Moammar, Saddam. This works especially well for darker complexioned, darker haired white males.
Tip Number Three: You Are Someone Special!
Most job applications contain a segment reminding the applicant that the company is committed to accommodating those with disabilities.
First, fill out the app. As usual, stress your achievements and talent. Then, in the special accommodations segment, specify that you are a bi-polar hunchback with irritable bowel syndrome. You may have to produce some documents of questionable authenticity to get them to believe you, but it’s ok- they won’t have to believe you for long.
Explain that due to your IBS, you are very flatulent, and would need your own space, preferably an office with a window and fan, and a special chair.
You may have to keep up the hunchback facade for the duration of your probationary period, usually 16 weeks, and you may have to fake flatulence, which can be done by consuming lots of cabbage. After you feel secure enough in your position, you can claim to have been to a holistic faith healer in Sedona and experienced a miracle. Your hump is history, your gas is gone, and your outlook is much more unipolar.
Tip Number Four: Se Habla Espanol No Speak English
Just because English is your native tongue, doesn’t mean you have to speak it in your native land. This job-hunting tip requires some real commitment on the part of an angry white male, specifically because it does require learning Spanish well enough to get through a job interview.
When you fill out the application, do so in Spanish. Perhaps you have a bi-lingual friend who can help you. Apply for jobs where knowledge of Spanish is a plus. On the app, and if you are interviewed, decline to offer your
Social Security Number, your Visa number, your Green Card number, or your resident status. Where you have an opportunity on the application, list your professional affiliations, being sure to include La Reconquista, Aztlan, F.A.L.N., and the Contras. You can even change your name to Commander Zero and wear a red beret to the interview.
Follow the steps outlined previously, being sure to get the interviewer
With all these tips, keep in mind that Federal Law provides very specific penalties for discrimination. Your interviewer should know this, but even if he/she does not, the Human Resources folks will. Be sure to follow up with letters and phone calls indicating your continuing interest in the position and your gratitude for the organization’s respect for your diversity. If you are informed that you were not hired for the position based on the superior qualifications of another candidate, immediately inquire as to the race, creed, color, condition or sexual preference of the successful candidate. If HR will not give you this information, assume that you have been discriminated against and find yourself the sleaziest lawyer you can.
Remember the rules have changed. Experience, achievement, education and dedication are no longer valid measures of one’s employability. The thought processes of your sleazy lawyer will be a mystery to you, stuck in your white-bread work ethic like you are, but you will see that if you can just learn to visualize your inner victim, and project that image to the world, the world will beat a path to your door, W4 forms in hand.