WORLD EXCLUSIVE! — Trump’s bombshell letter to Theresa May sparks panic in corridors of power

Darkmoon — July 23, 2018

A cleaner has discovered a copy of a letter in a White House waste bin, allegedly written by Donald Trump to Theresa May, and smuggled it out for publication. We are among the first to be handed this sensational document. Watch this space for further developments.  

Abridged by Lasha Darkmoon

American Gothic

Theresa, you’ve gotta stop those Brussels crazies bossing you about!”


Listen to me, Theresa. Let me tell you something. You’re in big trouble over Brexit. Believe me. Big trouble. And that’s really, really unfair because your country is a great country and you’re a nice people. Very nice.
You could have a beautiful Brexit. The best Brexit ever! But you gotta take on those dopey, dishonest, crooked guys in Europe.
The President in Brussels, Jean-Claude Juncker, cannot be trusted. He drinks too much. He’s a moron with a red nose and he is unbelievably not honest.
Negotiator Michel Barnier is a looooser. He’s French, and he thinks he looks good. Listen. He’s not as smart as he thinks. He’s really, really not a smart person at all.
I don’t like his behaviour and I would massively not trust him. He’s feeding you fake news. Not good. Theresa, you gotta take him on. If you did do that, you could do an incredible job. Incredible. Brexit could be so huge.
Look at me. I was very, very successful when I did that with Angela Merkel this week. Everybody’s talking about it.
I told her she’s being unbelievably dishonest because Germany is getting all its energy from Russia and is totally controlled by Russia. Totally. I said that it’s unbelievably inappropriate. Americans are not going to put up with spending hundreds of billions defending her country against Russia if she goes and makes oil deals with Russia.
I told her she was getting away with murder. And, by the way, she listened to me. That’s how you gotta treat Frau Merkel. And Mr Juncker and Mr Barnier.
They’re from Europe. They’re not serious people. Not one of them has made a dime in real estate.
By the way, I basically love the real estate here. I like it because it’s really old. Very old and unbelievably genuine. Not fake at all.
Yesterday, I was the guest of honour at a very sophisticated dinner in Blenheim Palace with you. The birthplace of the really great guy Winston Churchill.
It was a wonderful evening and I would love to build some absolutely beautiful condos there out of that old building. They would be so, so beautiful.
The same goes for the home of your Queen at Windsor Palace. An outstanding lady for an outstanding property and another fabulous piece of real estate.
If she is ever thinking of selling, just tell me. Windsor Park has a two-bit golf course, but I could make it phenomenal. Outstandingly phenomenal.
—   §   —
We’ve made a fantastic, just fantastic, success of our golf club in Scotland. It’s the most popular in Europe. That’s what people are telling me anyway. And we could do even better at Windsor. Much better.
But I digress. Let me get back to those complete and total phonies you have to deal with on Brexit. They’re boring, totally boring, Theresa, and over-rated. A lot of people tell me they’re over-rated.
Here’s my ten-point plan for dealing with Brexit. Think of it as a beautiful gift to your country, like when we gave your Royal Family Meghan Markle.
  1. First, you have to read an incredibly, amazingly good book I wrote. It’s called The Art Of The Deal and it’s a best-seller, an incredible best-seller. It tells you how to negotiate, be a tremendous negotiator. Britain has spent two years in talks and got nowhere? Sharpen up. Get tough.
As I say in my book, in my own words: ‘The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it. That makes the other guy smell blood and then you’re dead.’
Those rude people in Brussels smell blood, Theresa. A soft Brexit shows a soft mind. Very soft. And it’s not what the people voted for. They voted for the break-up of the European Union from Britain and they want to break away from Europe.
You have to stop handing away power. You’re giving it away to those Brussels crazies, and you’re giving it to lightweights on your own side, too, by letting them do the talking for you.
That’s not just crazy, it’s dumb. It has to be the dumbest dumb way of making a deal with Europe you can get. So stupid.
  1. Put Boris Johnson in charge. I know he resigned this week, but so what? He can be the comeback kid, make a great comeback you can be proud of.
Boris has got nice hair. Very nice. He believes in Britain and in Brexit. And he believes in me. He’s a great guy, always been nice about me. He’ll inject passion, real passion and get rid of the weak dopes you’ve got running the show at the moment. The yes-men have to go, Theresa. They’re dummies with clipboards.
Boris has lots of thrust. So much thrust. And I’ve been hearing he knows a hell of a lot about the Norwegian model — and I don’t mean some dame — if you know what I mean.
  1. You gotta stop those Brussels guys pushing you around. They have no respect for Britain. No respect at all. Some of them don’t even speak English. Incredible.
Remember, you are the leader of a very great country, with Shakespeare and Winston Churchill. He was an incredible man, outstanding leader.
What sort of leader is Juncker? I’ll tell you. He wasn’t even elected like me and you. And, trust me, mine was an extremely special election. He’s from Luxembourg, which is half the size of Rhode Island. That’s tiny, real tiny.
Tell the clown to put a cork in it. And that maniac from Belgium, the EU’s Brexit coordinator Guy Verhofstadt, no one cares about him.
Is Belgium even a real country? I’m told it’s where you Brits gave the French guys a kicking at Waterloo. A real good kicking they still remember — and don’t you ever let them forget it.
  1. Stay firm on migrants and free movement. Frau Merkel is in trouble back home. She’s deeply unpopular and looks like a dumpy housefrau left out in the rain. Not nice. A bit like Hillary Clinton. And all because she wrecked Europe with her dopey open-door policy to allow in the world’s migrants.

Merkel deeply unpopular


You don’t have to go along with it. You need borders. Tell those weak Brussels dopes you’ll build a fabulous wall, like the one we’re building on the Mexican border to stop illegals. Nobody builds better walls than me. No one.
  1. Demand your money back. With bells. You’ve paid billions and billions into the EU. Not fair. Not fair at all. You’re not divorcing a beautiful blonde. You’re just leaving an overpriced, disgustingly corrupt, out-of-control, obsolete club full of unbelievably horrible people, unbelievably horrible.
Next meeting, go up to Barnier — he’s so rude, really really rude and very smarmy — and ask him: ‘Where’s the cash?’
  1. Come get yourself a brilliant trade deal with the U.S. When you get out the EU swamp, I can offer a huge, fabulous deal. It’s going to be amazing, believe me. It’ll handle everything from autos to tourism. As I wrote in Art Of The Deal: ‘I like thinking big. I always have. To me, it’s very simple. If you’re going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.’ That’s what our special relationship could be like, truly incredible.
  2. Junk the fancy diplomacy with Brussels. All that rich food and fine wines thirsty Juncker throws at you is bad news. Not good at all. It would never work with me. I drink Diet Coke and eat McDonald’s and KFC and I’m very successful and powerful. Europe’s ‘gnocchi with Parmesan emulsion’ dinners are revolting. Disgusting. Get them off the table.
  3. Learn from my outstanding performance at the North Korean summit. They say I’ve no sense of humour. More fake news.
Before my summit with Kim Jong-un, I said: ‘Negotiating with a madman is his problem, not mine.’ It was a joke, a very good joke. I got the job done.
You have to frighten the other side. I threatened to unleash ‘fire and fury’, called Kim ‘Little Rocket Man’. The Establishment squealed, but Kim came running.
We had a nice time together. If I can do it with Kim, you can with second-rate goofs like Barnier, Merkel and Juncker.
Trust me, Theresa.

imperial trump

“I like thinking big. I always have.”

UPDATE.  Trump has apparently denied all authorship of the above letter. “Fake news!” he reportedly said, when shown a copy of the letter. “This is just a literary spoof written by a guy at the Daily Mail called Leo McKinstry, trying to make out I’m an idiot instead of the greatest president ever.” — Sincere apologies to our readers for misleading them with this belated April Fool’s joke. [LD]