I know some of you good Christians are not going to believe this, but you really must have faith. Last night I was sitting out on the back porch relaxing with my dog Sparky, about to finish off a bottle of Russian vodka, when an apparition appeared before me. Christ almighty I thought, it’s Jesus. Although at first alarmed it soon became apparent that Jesus intended me no harm, notwithstanding my lack of attendance at the local Baptist Church for the past decade.
I need thou to go forth and spread a message to the people of America and the world, Jesus told me. But first Jesus asked me to do something for him. Goeth forth and get me a cold Oberon from your refrigerator Jesus commanded. Eager to impress Jesus with my Biblical knowledge in hopes that he might one day take it easy on me, I offered, but I thought you were a wine drinker Jesus. After Jesus appeared unimpressed I scrambled to my kitchen for his libation.
Here you go, I poured thy beer into a cold frothy glass I keep in the freezer just because I love you so much, I told the master. Jesus drank the brew as if he hadn’t had a drink for a couple of millennia, not stopping for a breath as it went down. Then he slowly wiped the suds from his mustache and said, thank thou LWB.
Curious as hell I asked, what message could you possibly have for me to spread Jesus? Jesus replied, I want you to blog forth and tell the world that there is a charlatan in our midst. A man who professes to speak in my name. A man now cavorting with a group of White Eastern European Pretender settler extremists on the West Bank and Jerusalem. These pretenders have stolen the land of my Father’s real chosen people, the Palestinians. You mean Judas Huckabee the former Governor of Arkansas?, I asked. I think I read something about that on Mondoweiss the other day. I think the bastard said the Palestinians should move elsewhere so the Zionist fraudsters can steal the rest of Palestine.
Yes, Jesus replied, and I have decided that the State of Arkansas shall be the New Palestinian homeland. The charlatan Huckabee and those fools who would choose him as their leader must be punished, Jesus said. What are we suppose to do smite them or something Jesus?, I asked. Heavens no!, Jesus retorted, just tell them it is my will and they will act against their own self interests and leave the State voluntarily. Then the rest of the good Christian’s of thou country will invite the Palestinians to their new homeland as I have commanded. Great plan, I told Jesus. Thy will will be done.
But I have one question for you Jesus before you go. What is it?, Jesus asked. Do you want to know about someone in heaven? No Jesus, I just want to know if you and your Dad listen to music in heaven. Yes we do, Jesus replied. Then what is your favorite song and who is your favorite songwriter, I asked Jesus. Why it’s Doubting Thomas and you LWB, Jesus responded.
Then as Jesus ascended slowly into the ceiling of my screened in porch to heaven I thought, what a friend I have in Jesus.